You may feel awkward, unsettled, embarrassed, or emotional. If nice people say I’m nice and mean people say I’m mean, I prefer to go where I’m absorbing the behaviors of those who don’t mind when their behavior is reflected back at them.If you’re like most people, you’ll feel uncomfortable. And wherever I go, I’m sure I’ll continue to reflect behavior. I belong wherever I choose to go, but I don’t feel a sense of belonging wherever I go. Which is one reason so many people are quitting their jobs, looking for environments where the behaviors they absorb don’t give them anxiety or trauma, a place where they belong, rather than a place they’re trying to survive. But I do recognize that because people absorb each other’s behavior, toxicity is contagious. Whether this connection is genuine, I wonder. When politicians copy someone’s behavior, it seems to me that they’re absorbing behavior. Mirroring is common behavior for people of all neurotypes, though at times I wonder if absorbing might be a better term. If during a job interview, if my interviewer is kind and real, more interested in an honest conversation about my skills and how I can contribute to the organization than in testing me, I do well. Presumably, this means I also mirror when in the presence of people I like. That’s not to say I only mirror during difficult situations it’s just that when I reflect on my mirroring, I can only say for sure that I’ve copied behavior to survive difficult people. And I often find myself speaking in monotone, giving yes or no answers, tempted to end the interview early because I’m certain the conversation is going unwell. I’ll then either mirror my interviewers, answering their questions with questions, or go mute. īecause I’m Autistic, social games often cause me to go mute, and I struggle to access relevant thoughts my research and STAR stories vanish from my mind. Before an interview I’ll spend hours researching the company, writing STAR stories, and questions to ask, but none of my preparation matters if the interviewer is playing social games. In other words, my ability to “perform” well during a job interview depends on the interviewers’ behaviors. Similarly, during an interrogation-style interview, I find I mirror my interviewers. By the end of the call, both men seemed to think they worked for me. They startled and changed their behavior when I, acting against my nature, talked over them and cut them off after they’d repeatedly talked over me and cut me off. Both men were startled and changed their behavior when I stretched. I recall leaning back in my chair to stretch during a Zoom call with two difficult men who treated me as if they owned me. Later, after I’ve reflected on the encounter, trying to figure out why I behaved a certain way, I realize I was only reflecting their behavior back at them, changing them into a nonbully. I notice my mirroring only after I’ve had a difficult encounter with a bully, when I’ve copied their behavior as self-preservation. When pressured, I find I’ll often copy the tone of the person who is pressuring me, though this is something I only notice after the event. That people see their reflection instead of me when I mirror is helpful in difficult situations. It’s a shortcut for a short term problem, and whilst it can be used when you don’t know someone better, mistakes can be made if you miss something. The problem with mirroring is that sometimes people see their own reflection when they need to understand the real you. I threw all that back at them, they saw it for what it was, and read me as ‘unfriendly but pretending’. What I hadn’t noticed (but worked out later), was that their body language was ‘socially appropriately friendly’ but with uncontrolled defensive suspicion thrown in. I’ve met people in the past who seemed overtly friendly, so I mirrored their body language, and they withdrew. Also see the blog Autism and Expectations, which sheds more light on Autistic mirroring via personal experience: This makes sense, as people gravitate to people who are like them: see the double empathy problem. Mirroring is most commonly framed this way: in terms of building rapport, influencing people to like you. Politicians, for example, go through extensive training to learn to mirror to appear friendly, to extend their political reach. Mirroring is also largely unconscious, for me at least, though some people consciously mimic behavior. Mirroring is the act of imitating the behavior of another person and is largely nonverbal communication.
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